I was diagnosed HIV positive nearly 20 years ago, and living with the virus has changed a great deal. It's not a death sentence and we're living much longer. The panic that once held us in acute fear has thankfully dissipated. Infection rates are reducing and we hear proclamations that "AIDS is over" in this country – but thousands of us are still living with HIV, its complications, stigma and prejudice.

將近20年前，我被檢驗出HIV陽性反應，而跟著這病毒一起生活，已經大大地改變了許多事物。它並不是死刑，而我們也一起活了很久。謝天謝地，曾經讓我們驚恐的劇烈恐懼感已經消失了。感染率正在降低，而且我們也在這國家（澳洲?）聽到了「AIDS已經結束了」這樣的宣言 ── 不過數以千計的我們仍然跟HIV與它的併發症一起生活，甚至還要面對它所帶來的污名與偏見。

HIV/AIDS has impacted my life more than anything, and it continues to challenge me each day. I've lived with the virus for most of my adult life. As a teenager coming to terms with my sexuality, I faced violent homophobia. The attacks came from teachers and students, and from within my own family. I was beaten, bashed and bullied out of high school. I had chronic anxiety and contemplated suicide countless times. Queensland in the 1980s was a hostile place for LGBTIQ people. It was the era of Joh-Bjelke-Petersen and the grim reaper. The media was saturated with reports that demonised the gay community, and the thought of contracting HIV and dying of AIDS terrified me.

HIV（人體免疫缺損病毒），或稱AIDS（後天性免疫不全症候群，俗稱「愛滋病」）已經衝擊了我的生命更勝於其他事物，而且至今仍挑戰著我的每一天。我跟這病毒一起生活，已經占去了幾乎所有我成年後的日子。當我在青少年時期順著我的性向走的時候，我面對了暴力的恐同態度。對我的攻擊不但來自老師與同學，更來自於我的家庭。在高中的時候，我被人痛毆毒打、被人霸凌。我曾有長期的焦慮症並無數次地思考自殺的可能。80年代的昆士蘭是一個對LGBTIQ同志社群極為敵意的地方。那是Joh-Bjelke-Petersen長期執政與死神的年代。媒體總是充滿了各種妖魔化同性戀社群的報導，而感染HIV與死於愛滋病讓我恐懼萬分。

I felt like I had no place in Queensland, so I fled to Sydney when I was 20 and got swept up in the drug scene. I was rebellious and having a wild time but I was also numbing the self-hatred about my sexuality. I took a lot of risks and put myself in danger. On some level, I was punishing myself. I contracted HIV because I couldn't accept my sexuality. Under the influence of so much drugs and alcohol, it was a crash waiting to happen.

我覺得我在昆士蘭沒有容身之處，所以我在20歲的時候逃到了雪梨，並染上了毒癮。那時的我很叛逆、過著狂野的日子，我也對性向的自我厭惡感到麻木。我讓我限於許多風險與危險之中。從某個角度來說，我在懲罰我自己。因為我無法接受我的性向，導致了感染HIV。在許多藥物與酒精的催化之下，那是個勢必發生的意外。

Thankfully I eventually turned what felt like a death sentence into something constructive. I stopped using drugs and started to face myself – I accepted who I was. In many ways, my life was just beginning. I became a healthy, conscious person with hopes and dreams. I studied social science and creative writing at university. I travelled to India, Europe, the US and South America. The virus was transforming me and my life for the better.

謝天謝地，我後來將這個讓我覺得像是死刑的東西轉為了一個建設性的事物。我停止吸毒，並開始面對我自己 ── 接受我自己的身分。從許多方面來看，我的人生才剛開始。我成為了一個帶著與希望的健康且神智清晰的人。我在大學學習了社會科學和創意寫作。我前往印度、歐洲、美國與南美洲旅行。這病毒將我與我的生活變得更好。

I don't want to gloss over the reality of living with HIV. There's been plenty of physical and emotional struggles. My sanity has been pushed to the limit by humiliating bouts of illness and hideous experiments with toxic medication. At one stage that meant swallowing 26 pills a day and throwing my guts up on city streets. I've had two lengthy stints in hospital with AIDS, and I've been socially isolated for long periods due to poverty, illness and a sheer lack of self-worth that can afflict many HIV positive people.

我不想掩蓋與HIV生活的現實，那有許多生理與情緒上的掙扎。我的理智已經被疾病奮戰帶來的羞辱與駭人的毒性藥物實驗給推向了極限。在某一個階段的時候，我每天要吞26顆藥丸，然後沿街從裡吐到外。我曾兩度因愛滋病而長期待在醫院，我也曾因為貧窮、帶病，以及完全缺乏自我價值（這些都能夠折磨許多HIV病患）而在社會上遭到孤立了好長一段時間。

A twist in my journey with HIV came earlier this year. I had moved to a regional town and studied a short course to be a support worker, and the first man I was partnered with just happened to be living with HIV as well. Like myself years before, he had also suffered a bout of cerebral toxoplasmosis (an infection that attacks the brain). While I was demolished by the experience, I responded to antibiotics and was discharged from hospital a month later. This man wasn't so lucky. He was not given antibiotics, and after a botched surgery to remove the infection, he had a stroke and was semi-paralysed down one side of his body. He spent nine months in hospital and was discharged in a wheelchair with severe cognitive impairment, stammered speech and restricted movement. He now requires weekly assistance and has difficulties with simple tasks like eating, walking and getting dressed. We meet for the gym, social outings, shopping and casual banter at cafes. I'm always impressed by his skill with crosswords, and how tidy his house is compared to mine. We muck around with his cat and talk about our love of Amy Winehouse, Blondie and Orange Is the New Black. His health and fitness improves a little each time, as does his speech and his will to survive.

在我與HIV的旅程中的一場轉折於今年來早了。我搬去了一個地區小鎮，並在那邊進修短期課程已成為一個支援工作者，而我第一個遇到的搭檔正好也是個HIV病患。就像多年前的我，他也曾經歷過與弓漿蟲腦病變（一種攻擊腦部的感染）的搏鬥。當我被這經驗摧殘的時候，我對抗生素有了反應並在一個月後就出院了。這個人反而就沒那麼幸運了。他並沒有獲得任何抗生素，而且在一場拙劣的感染移除手術之後中風，導致他身體有一半呈現半癱瘓的狀況。他住院了九個月，而且出院的時候還坐在輪椅上、有著嚴重的認知障礙、說話結巴、行動受限。他現在每週都需要協助，而且對於些簡單的工作仍有障礙，像是飲食、走路、穿衣服。我們會在體育館碰頭、社交出遊、購物，以及在咖啡廳談天說笑。他的填字遊戲能力、整理家裡的能力總是讓我印象深刻。我們一起幫他的貓清貓砂、談著我們對艾美· 懷絲（Amy Winehouse）、金髮美女（Blondie）、《勁爆女子監獄》（Orange Is the New Black）的愛。他的健康與體能，還有他的語言能力與求生意志每次都有一小點的進步。

While living with HIV in 2019 has improved, it's far from easy, especially for those of us with a history of trauma from AIDS-related conditions. There are ongoing struggles with medication side-effects and prejudice and discrimination. Few conditions have the same consequences for a person in terms of their self-esteem and relationships.

HIV病患在2019年的生活已經改善許多，但仍不是個容易的事情，尤其對於那些有過來自愛滋相關狀況的創傷的人們。病患與藥物副作用、偏見和歧視的奮戰仍舊持續著。對於一個人來說，有些不同的狀況，會對他們的自尊與人際關係帶來一樣的結果。

As we face another year, I wish I could believe a cure was in sight but unfortunately I cannot. My experience living with HIV and working in the HIV/AIDS sector has shown me what we're up against – a monolithic pharmaceutical industry that thrives on us swallowing pills for the rest of our lives. To compound this, I've seen AIDS organisations slash services to people living with HIV. I've seen corporate figures within these organisations disregard the people they're supposed to represent, while they masquerade as "activists" and forge lucrative careers.

隨著我們面對新的一年，我希望我能相信有個即將出現的解藥，可是不幸地，我沒有辦法。與HIV生活、在HIV/AIDS相關領域工作讓我看到了我們對抗的是什麼：一個龐大的製藥產業，他們靠著我們一生所吞下的藥物來蓬勃發展。為了與之妥協，我已經看過不少愛滋病組織砍掉了給HIV病患的服務、我已經看過不少這些組織中的企業要人漠視了他們應該要代表的人，卻將自己偽裝成"活動人士"並編造出了有利可圖的職涯。

World AIDS Day has become a public relations exercise where AIDS bureaucrats and the pharmaceutical industry merely pay lip service to stopping this epidemic. Almost 40 years since the first cases of AIDS, a cure is still nowhere in sight. I hope they can move past their profit motives, egos and "brilliant careers" and give some thought to what it's like for people who are living with HIV. Thousands of us still endure high rates of poverty, mental health issues, social isolation and prejudice and discrimination in this country. Thousands are still dying of AIDS around the world.

世界愛滋日已經成為了一個公關活動，專門給那些負責愛滋病的官員與製藥界只需出張嘴來阻止愛滋傳染。從第一個愛滋病確診案例以來已經將近40年了，解藥依舊連個影子都看不到。我希望他們能夠越過他們那只想圖利的動機、自負，還有「傑出職涯」，並對我們這些HIV病患的生活給出點想法與見解。數以千計的我們仍舊忍受著高比率的貧窮、心理健康問題、社會孤立，以及存在於這國家中的偏見與歧視。這世界上仍有數千人死於愛滋病。